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Small Talk - Life Is Good

 
Transient

As I was starting my career as a photographer, I would say yes to every opportunity and every chance to meet new people in the industry.  I got real busy very fast.  And the busyness, thankfully, lasted few years until one March day of last year...  I was in San Francisco working on a photoshoot, which throughout the day I had to walk up and down a steep hill several times in my high heel boots (not smart, I know) to feed the parking meter.  After third or forth time, I was walking up the street and suddenly I felt the need to stop everything that I was doing - work, social media, travel, calendar filled with appointments...  

I took a whole month off in last year's March.  I didn't get on social media (except posting one Instagram photo a day to document my little journey), I didn't check email, I disconnected from most people, I took a 30-day bible study program, read many books, wrote many words in my journal and was frightening, but freeing at the same time.  I felt great, first time I gave myself time off and just... getting to know myself all over again.  As my time off got closed to being over, I got into a very bad car accident and I laid in bed for nearly a month.  Wow, if you really really want to hear all of your inner voices this is the way to go - stuck in bed, not able to move a muscle, not sure if the body would heal.  Many many thoughts in the head that took a lot of courage to have faith.

The amazing thing about those two months was that I realized I had spent many of my days building a career, chasing after something that satisfied the ego, that everything was very outward.  I never paid attention to what I need on the inside.  "What does Bonnie need?"  I constantly ask myself that now, but I seem to have no answer.  I tried to go back to how I used to live life, being busy, I thought maybe I can do it smarter now.  But no, actually, I can't go back.  That world seems so small and unreal now.  So for the past year I didn't really work, didn't feel creative, didn't really pick up the camera to shoot.  I do get worried sometimes, what if I become a useless person or lose my career or lose everything...?!

Today though, I tell myself this - "Your life is good.  You've had few bumps here and there, but you still have a lot of good things in your life.  It's not that you can't create or you suck, it's just that you're feeling your next direction and it's ok if you don't feel it now.  You are taking your time, you're being careful, because you want to look back one day and be able to say, 'That was good.'  Don't think about other people's approval, just do it your way and live it."  I'm letting go of trying to be in control of everything.  :)

How about you?  Have you been stuck on a crossroad before?